Our second TMZ spoof! They haven’t really taken off yet, but somebody out there’s gotta like ‘em!
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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’
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TVVZ – Armless Bowler
September 14, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
Category Old Blog, Uncategorized | Tags: armless bowler,bowling,comedy,funny video,humor,parody,spoof,stunt,tmz,viral video | 2 Comments
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TVVZ- Coins Up Nose
September 14, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
The first of our TMZ spoofs for Stupidvideos.com.
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more about “TVVZ- Coins Up Nose“, posted with vodpodCategory Old Blog, Uncategorized | Tags: coins up nose,comedy,funny video,humor,parody,spoof,stunt,tmz,viral video | No Comments
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Thoughts on a Walk In The Park
September 3, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
The park grants me a small measure of solace and, after dark, a slightly larger measure of heebie-jeebies. I walk in the park to make sense of it all. How did I reach this point, and are those guys going to mug me? Both are big questions, but I need the answer to the second one sooner.
I’ve been tackling the Problem of Evil. If there is an all-loving God, how can he allow evil to exist without allowing me to harness it to use against my enemies? My enemies are few– the three major credit reporting bureaus. I don’t believe their reporting is fair and balanced.
Coming to terms with my role in the universe. Pigeons don’t fear me, but they do respect me. A significant improvement.
It’s hard to believe that we’re alone in the universe. Especially since I keep getting calls at 3:00 AM. This can’t be a coincidence. If I were calling cross-galaxy, I would wait until the rates were cheaper, too. I can’t help but wonder whether this is really an attempt to reach out to us or simply a drunk dial. If it is both, then extraterrestrials are having a much better time than I am.
Walking gives me time to be alone with my thoughts. It’s been a mixed blessing. I’ve learned much more about my thoughts, but it is increasingly clear they don’t appreciate my company. When I am alone with my thoughts, there tend to be uncomfortable silences.
Lately, there have been times when I’ve finally felt like I am in control of my own destiny. Then I end up at Seven-Eleven. I walk in and out without purchasing anything. The clerks don’t respect me, but they do greet me. A significant improvement.
I look around the park and can’t help but believe every tree, plant, and animal is a gift from God. Why do so many of God’s gifts make me sneeze? Should I be offended? Also, I can’t help but notice that his gifts are free, but the Church insists on a monetary offering. I am getting offended.
The universe is vast. That makes me hate my apartment just a bit more. It’s so small, and there’s next to no closet space. How could this happen with there being so much space out there? What’s the excuse? Each of the stars represents another galaxy, full of promise and potential. And apartments?
In the park, I learn about myself. I am confident that I chart my own course in life. Charts. Courses. Flashbacks to remedial algebra, where I was ridiculed and beaten up for owning notebook paper. Nevertheless, when I return home my confidence holds firm. My cat doesn’t greet me, but he does demand food. A significant improvement.
Category Old Blog | Tags: comedy,god,humor,park,universe | 1 Comment
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Akon and Rick Ross to Collaborate on Backstory
July 31, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
Acclaimed hard core rapper and “prevariKator” Akon announced today his intention to collaborate with fellow rapper and recently exposed fabulist Rick Ross, on “an entirely new, and completely convincing backstory”.Both rappers recently suffered public relations setbacks when their elaborate and oft-cited criminal histories were shown to be at least in part “completely made up and shit”.
Earlier this year, online secrets repository The Smoking Gun (www.thesmokinggun.com) posted evidence that despite frequent assertions to the contrary, Akon, among whose albums is the 2006 hit “Konvicted”, has not spent a considerable amount of time in prison. However, inside sources do indicate that he has visited numerous prisons via Google Streetz View. Similar problems have only recently derailed Rick Ross fast rising rap career. Ross, who frequently claims to have made his first fortune “slinging weight,” appears to have been employed at least part time as a guard in a Federal prison. Ross’ latest album “Trilla,” a recent chart topper is, according to the rotund law enforcer, a combination of True and Real. Ross was unavailable for comment at press time, but in the wake of allegations that his backstory is neither, Ross’s publicist is defending the title as “Fronic”, or “Funny and Ironic”.
According to sources within music industry, representatives for the artists have contacted noted backstory embellisher and Hip Hop impresario Dr. Dre, and Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to assist them in the development of a new backstory that is “hard core, disturbing, and almost completely verifiable.” Record industry observers speculate that if Dre and Whedon agree to collaborate, this new backstory could “be plausible”, and possibly hit the streets as early as September, in time for the VMA’s.
In a press release, Akon elaborated on his desire to work with the troubled corrections officer.
“Sometimes, it feels like a man is being Konvicted without a fair trial in a Kourt of Law. That’s why worKing with someone who has close up Knowldge of the justice system is integral to the suKcess of this projeKt. Personally, I Kan understand why AmeriKa might feel inKlined to judge us by our KontradiKtions, but I ask them to resist drawing a KonKlusion, and wait to see what the final produKt will look liKe.”
In an interview given almost hours after evidence of his law enforcement past surfaced, Ross seemed to indicate the direction this project might take. “Personally, biography embellishment is played out. It’s time to do something totally hard core, without any basis in fact whatsoever. On the real, I’d love to work with a visonary like Akon.” Added Ross, “We goin’ straight make up. No Homo.”Related Stories:
- Akon denies first album purchased with own money “Tiny Dancer”
- Rick Ross admits to taking day off from hustlin’
- Mr. Rogers denies link between Akon and Land of Make Believe
Additional reporting by Ross Lincoln and Earnest Pettie
Category Old Blog | Tags: akon,comedy,hip hop,humor,konvict,music,rap,rick ross,the smoking gun,trilla | No Comments
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The Drink or the Dollar?
May 23, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
Frank Lumley, perched at near the end of an almost empty bar, dressed in his finest Boss Hoggery, held a hundred dollar bill in the air, snapped it, and rolled it into a small tube. Next, he took that makeshift straw and stuck it into the foamy top of a milkshake, slurping. “Delicious,” he said grinning.
“The drink or the dollar?” Lumley looked down the bar and saw that he was less alone than he’d thought. A man a couple years younger, a couple styles trendier, and a little stubble manlier was looking at Lumley.
“Both, son, both. This milkshake is made with the finest vanilla ice cream because it’s delicious and the rarest camel sperm because I can. The bar doesn’t stock it– I bring my own.” The air between the two men had grown as thick as Lumley’s milkshake. “Don’t look at me like that, son. I worked too hard to get here!”
“Do you mind if I ask how you got here? How’d you make your money, or it that too rude?”
“Nah, son, it’s fine. Remember when oil hit 134 dollars a barrel? Well, I was in the barrel biz. 100 bucks a barrel.”
“You charged a 100 bucks a barrel? But wouldn’t that make oil just 34 dollars a barrel?” Lumley nodded. “May I?” the man asked, indicating Lumley’s shake. Lumley slid his drink down the bar, saloon-style. The man caught it and spat in it.
“Hey, son! Don’t do that! I deserve every dollar I earned! Do you know how I got in the barrel biz? Do you?” Lumley arrested the man with the gaze of a principal lecturing a student. “Ten years ago, I was broke, and all I had was a barrel, which I wore strapped to my body with suspenders. Then you know what I did? I chopped that barrel down and made two smaller barrels. I wore one, which was considerably less modest than I was accustomed to. I sold the other and bought party cups. That was my introduction to the biz. I sold those cups to a nearby lemonade stand, and reinvested those profits in ice, which I sold to the lemonade stand at a considerable markup. When that little girl had to raise her prices to cover costs and lost customers, I swooped in and bought the stand from her. I operated that stand for a nine months before I realized I was sitting in a gold mine. That little girl’s dad had built that lemonade stand out of love and wood. The love I had no use for, but the wood…. I chopped that lemonade stand down and made three barrels with it. You know what I did with the money I made from that first sale? I bought a pair of pants. I was in the barrel biz, and, as a business man, I knew I’d need a pair of pants. I sold my first barrels to elephant and seal acts. Demeaning but profitable. Slowly, I moved up to rodeo clowns, acquiring more and more of the barrel market. Soon, I had nowhere left to go but oil. That was where I made my first stumble. I didn’t realize they’d need lids! Otherwise, all the oil just sloshes around, son! It took me forever to live down that ignomy, but I did, son! And for every oilman who called me “Valdeez” because of my spilled oil, I tacked a dollar onto my prices. So that’s where we are, today, son. I’m raking in record profits.”
The other man just stared at Lumley. After a moment, he bagan, “I don’t know if any of what you just told me is true–”
“It’s all true.” Lumley nodded and sipped his milkshake.
“–You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“Shame, son, is wearing a barrel to the local swimming pool.”
The other man sighed and went out to his car. He got in, drove to the nearest gas station, where he paid four dollars a gallon for his gasoline, and cursed Lumley while wishing he’d tried a sip of that milkshake.
Category Old Blog | Tags: comedy,gas prices,humor,oil prices,peak oil | No Comments
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I’m Sorry I Can’t Be Your Superhero
May 16, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
Dear, The Undersigned,
I would like to thank you for your recent petition, encouraging me to become Sunnyvale’s resident superhero. You collected an impressive number of signatures which, now, are spread across my living room floor. No doubt you were called to action by my apprehension of The Murderous Duo, as captured on security camera and spread across Youtube. Well, I have to tell you that was more of a one-time thing– like bungee jumping. It was scary, and I never want to do it again. I did it just so that I could say I did. That’s the main reason that I must politely decline your invitation. Of course, there are other reasons that I consider to be equally valid.
- My unique brand of vigilante justice, it turns out, isn’t so unique. The guy at the comic book store told me it was actually insultingly hackneyed.
- I have a well-known and documented aversion to conflict. It took me ten years to divorce my unfaithful wife because every time I’d bring it up, she’d say “What?” and I’d say “Nothing.”
- I’m not fashionably bold enough to pull off a super outfit. I’ve worn Dockers khakis for fifteen years, and it took a leap just to get me out of the pleated ones into the flat fronts.
- Finally, while I do have a mysterious past, tons of money, and a butler, I feel I know the best way to maintain those things: avoid public scrutiny, refrain from investing in supergadgetry, and keep the scope of my butler’s job description as-is.
Now, my butler, on the other hand might make an excellent superhero. I often give him Saturday nights off because he wants to go “cruisin’ for some action.” On those nights, he tells me he’s going out looking for bad boys in tight pants. I must admit that I have long suspected him of maintaining a secret life that he can only hint at.
Sincerely,
Superstrong Heronius, IIIPS. Thank you for sending the first season of Greatest American Hero on DVD. I enjoyed it.
Category Old Blog | Tags: comedy,comic book,hero,humor,petition,satire,superhero | 1 Comment
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A Conversation Between the Guy Who Locked His Daughter in His Basement for 24 Years and His Wife.
May 14, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
Josef: OK, so you know how you’ve been on me to remodel the basement?
Rosemarie: Yeah…
Josef: And you know how you’ve been wanting more kids.
Rosemarie: Right, but it’s so messy–
Josef: Exactly, exactly. Well, this is going to sound crazy
Rosemarie: I hate it when you start things that way.
Josef: Now, just hear me out, OK? I’ve got many birds and one stone here. Daughter–loud music. Always with the attitude? Stick her in the basement and we get her pregnant.
Rosemarie: We?
Josef: Well, that would be mostly me, but I promise it would be a joyless gesture.
Rosemarie: It always is with you.
Josef: Hey, don’t be hurtful! I’m just trying some creative problem solving here.
Rosemarie: There’s a problem with your plan, genius.
Josef: Really?
Rosemarie: Who’ll deliver the babies?
Josef: What?
Rosemarie: The doctor– what doctor would do that?
Josef: Why do we need doctors? Listen, people gave birth without doctors for centuries. They redesigned their basements without interior designers for centuries. They impregnated their daughters without remorse for centuries!
Rosemarie: Sounds like you’re being cheap.
Josef: I’m being practical!
Rosemarie: Listen, if this is just your way of getting out of hiring an interior designer…
Josef: No, no! I can take care of all of this myself! I swear!
20 Years Later
Rosemarie: So you still haven’t finished the basement.
Josef: Well, I’ve given you a ton of kids. As promised. On time and under budget!
Rosemarie: I knew this was just an excuse not to hire an interior designer.
Four years later
Josef and Rosemarie are being led out of their home in handcuffs.
Josef: So, I’m prepared to admit that maybe I was being cheap.
Rosemarie: I can’t believe they’re going to see the basement looking that way. This is so embarrassing!
Category Old Blog | Tags: austria,basement,comedy,humor,josef f | No Comments
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Yesterday morning 1991 called me.
April 25, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
Yesterday morning, 1991 called me. Luckily it called me on my VOIP program, Gizmo5, and I was able to record the call and transcribe it for you. What follows is an accurate transcription of that telephone call.
1991
Is this Earnest?Earnest
Yes, Speaking.1991
Hey, Earnest, this is 1991, and I was calling to inquire about the possibility of my resuming ownership of those track pants…Earnest
Excuse me?1991
I was wondering if I could get those track pants back.Earnest
I’m not sure what you’re talking about.1991
Come on, man. You know. Your aunt gave them to you two years ago. They make you look like either Rob Base or DJ EZ Rock. They make that vwhip-vwhip sound when you walk.Earnest
OK, so I suppose I do know which pants you’re referring to. What do you need them for?1991
Let me answer your question with another question. How ya livin’?Earnest
What?1991
How ya livin’?Earnest
What?1991
In Living Color.(17 seconds of silence.)
1991
I’m sorry. It’s just been so long.Earnest
Why do you need these pants back?1991
I’m going into training… I’m thinking of making a comeback.Earnest
You’re kidding!1991
No, I mean, I was pretty good the first time around, right? Married With Children. Simpsons bootleg T-shirts, Nirvana and Metallica– not to mention the good Gulf War!Earnest
And don’t forget that recession.1991
That was a low blow. Just give me back the pants. I need them more than you…. Unless you’re trying for the anachronistic drug dealer look. Need a pager?Earnest
I think I’m going to keep them, but if you happen to see 1998, tell him I’ve got some shiny club shirts he can have back. Actually, you know what? You can have the pants.1991
Really?Earnest
Not!At that point 1991 hung up the phone, and I checked to make sure that my 1991 track pants still fit and looked just as cool now as they did back in the day.
Category Old Blog | Tags: 1991,comedy,humor,In Living Color | No Comments
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Transcript of interview with kid who got a butter knife stuck in his head.
April 17, 2008 by Earnest Pettie
A kid got a butter knife stuck in his head and end up on morning news shows, this week. I managed to transcribe one of the interviews. This starts just as the show comes back from break.
Wendy and Charlie, morning news anchors, are seated at the newsdesk.
Wendy
I’m Wendy May, and thank you for watching Good Morning to News. OK, next up, we have our exclusive interview with the–
Charlie begins cracking up.
WENDY
Stop that.
charlie
I’m sorry… I was reading ahead. I’ll stop.
WENDY
As I was saying… our exclusive interview with the kid who has a butter knife stuck in his (she starts giggling)…. Now, I’m doing it. Thanks, Charlie. OK, the kid with the butter knife stuck in his head.
CHARLIE
Hey, don’t forget to ask if it makes it easier for him to get the point.
Wendy stares at Charlie.
CHARLIE
See? Get it? Because there’s a knife, and–
WENDY
–I get it.
Gary (O.s.)
Hey, ask if it was brainless steel.
Charlie and Wendy give death stares to Gary, who’s standing in front of a green screen. The weather map turns on behind him.
CHARLIE
Hey, listen, Gary, when we need a joke from you, we’ll ask for your resume, OK?
Gary’s smile fades. We return to the newscasters.
WENDY
OK, I believe we have Greg, the kid with a butter knife sticking out of his head via satellite from his home. Good morning, Greg!
Greg appears onscreen. He’s a young teenager with a butter knife sticking out the back, right side of his head. Wendy stares for a second and then breaks out in hysterics. Charlie never had a hope of keeping a steady face.
WENDY
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Greg disappears.
WENDY
That kid has a butter knife… sticking out of his head!
She’s regains her composure.
WENDY
OK, turn it back on. I’m ready. I’m better.
Greg is back onscreen, but the image is snowy.
WENDY
It’s a little…
Greg’s mother enters next to him and begins adjusting his head.
mother
Just a minute.
As she turns his head completely sideways, knife sticking straight up in the air, the image becomes crystal clear.
MOTHER
Better.
Wendy nods.
WENDY
Thank you, but it looks like we’re out of time. (turning to main camera) What a brave, little boy.
CHARLIE
A profile in courage, indeed.
GARY (O.S.)
Hey, it’s too bad you didn’t get to ask the dad how he supports his knife and kids!
Wendy and Charlie glare at Gary again.
CHARLIE
Hey, we’re trying to run a professional newscast here, OK, Gary?
Gary’s had enough.
GARY
Hey, I’m a person, too. I may not have a butter knife sticking out of my head, but I deserve just as much respect as someone who does!
Gary presses some buttons on his weather remote device, and all the suns become rainclouds.
GARY
What do you think about that?
CHARLIE
(sad)
I was going to go on a picnic tomorrow….
And then they cut to a commercial
Category Old Blog | Tags: butter knife,comedy,humor,news | No Comments