about 2 months ago - No comments
What follows is a mostly accurate transcript of my heartfelt appeal to the jury at my trial. All instances of sobbing, hyperventilation, and tearful stammering have been redacted to protect the innocent: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you, is it a crime to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving
about 1 year ago - 2 comments
Our second TMZ spoof! They haven’t really taken off yet, but somebody out there’s gotta like ‘em! [vodpod id=ExternalVideo.689201&w=425&h=350&fv=] more about “TVVZ – Armless Bowler“, posted with vodpod
about 2 years ago - 1 comment
The park grants me a small measure of solace and, after dark, a slightly larger measure of heebie-jeebies. I walk in the park to make sense of it all. How did I reach this point, and are those guys going to mug me? Both are big questions, but I need the answer to the second
about 2 years ago - No comments
Acclaimed hard core rapper and “prevariKator” Akon announced today his intention to collaborate with fellow rapper and recently exposed fabulist Rick Ross, on “an entirely new, and completely convincing backstory”. Both rappers recently suffered public relations setbacks when their elaborate and oft-cited criminal histories were shown to be at least in part “completely made up
about 2 years ago - 2 comments
Jesse Jackson has gone to lengthy measures to apologize to Barack Obama for something he said about Senator Obama recently. Fox News mics picked up Jackson’s statements, but it wasn’t entirely clear what the Reverend said. Luckily, I am well-versed in Jacksonian english, so allow me to transcribe for you: From the pulpit and the
about 2 years ago - No comments
Frank Lumley, perched at near the end of an almost empty bar, dressed in his finest Boss Hoggery, held a hundred dollar bill in the air, snapped it, and rolled it into a small tube. Next, he took that makeshift straw and stuck it into the foamy top of a milkshake, slurping. “Delicious,” he said
about 2 years ago - 1 comment
Dear, The Undersigned, I would like to thank you for your recent petition, encouraging me to become Sunnyvale’s resident superhero. You collected an impressive number of signatures which, now, are spread across my living room floor. No doubt you were called to action by my apprehension of The Murderous Duo, as captured on security camera
about 2 years ago - No comments
Josef: OK, so you know how you’ve been on me to remodel the basement? Rosemarie: Yeah… Josef: And you know how you’ve been wanting more kids. Rosemarie: Right, but it’s so messy– Josef: Exactly, exactly. Well, this is going to sound crazy Rosemarie: I hate it when you start things that way. Josef: Now, just
about 2 years ago - No comments
Yesterday morning, 1991 called me. Luckily it called me on my VOIP program, Gizmo5, and I was able to record the call and transcribe it for you. What follows is an accurate transcription of that telephone call. 1991 Is this Earnest? Earnest Yes, Speaking. 1991 Hey, Earnest, this is 1991, and I was calling to
about 2 years ago - No comments
A kid got a butter knife stuck in his head and end up on morning news shows, this week. I managed to transcribe one of the interviews. This starts just as the show comes back from break. Wendy and Charlie, morning news anchors, are seated at the newsdesk. Wendy I’m Wendy May, and thank you
Earnest Pettie is a Los Angeles-based comedy writer from Oklahoma who spends his days mining the internet for comedy gold for Break.com
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Kathy: OMG, I'm glad I'm not the only person who has noticed this (and I must say, I've been noticing it...
C. Hernandez: I swear I saw a different version of this commercial earlier in the summer that was 10x creepier,...
admin: I recommend reading everything! You may not believe this, but one of my favorite things to read is...
Sara: Hi!
This might sound like a silly question. But how on earth are you able to write so good? I mean...
Cesar: oh, by the way, I don't think an audio transition is such important if we're assuming the producers...
Earnest Pettie: Hi Cathy,
That the last image of the wrecked plane was added by ABC does change things a bit, but...
Cathy: Hi..this is from the website eonline. The comment below was from Kristin, of the "Watch with...