Yesterday morning, 1991 called me. Luckily it called me on my VOIP program, Gizmo5, and I was able to record the call and transcribe it for you. What follows is an accurate transcription of that telephone call.

1991
Is this Earnest?

Earnest
Yes, Speaking.

1991
Hey, Earnest, this is 1991, and I was calling to inquire about the possibility of my resuming ownership of those track pants…

Earnest
Excuse me?

1991
I was wondering if I could get those track pants back.

Earnest
I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

1991
Come on, man. You know. Your aunt gave them to you two years ago. They make you look like either Rob Base or DJ EZ Rock. They make that vwhip-vwhip sound when you walk.

Earnest
OK, so I suppose I do know which pants you’re referring to. What do you need them for?

1991
Let me answer your question with another question. How ya livin’?

Earnest
What?

1991
How ya livin’?

Earnest
What?

1991
In Living Color.

(17 seconds of silence.)

1991
I’m sorry. It’s just been so long.

Earnest
Why do you need these pants back?

1991
I’m going into training… I’m thinking of making a comeback.

Earnest
You’re kidding!

1991
No, I mean, I was pretty good the first time around, right? Married With Children. Simpsons bootleg T-shirts, Nirvana and Metallica– not to mention the good Gulf War!

Earnest
And don’t forget that recession.

1991
That was a low blow. Just give me back the pants. I need them more than you…. Unless you’re trying for the anachronistic drug dealer look. Need a pager?

Earnest
I think I’m going to keep them, but if you happen to see 1998, tell him I’ve got some shiny club shirts he can have back. Actually, you know what? You can have the pants.

1991
Really?

Earnest
Not!

At that point 1991 hung up the phone, and I checked to make sure that my 1991 track pants still fit and looked just as cool now as they did back in the day.